How does this parent react to their second grade daughter's bully being so nice to them?

Dear Meghan: My 8-year-old daughter, who is in the second grade, has a frenemy in her class. This little girl is going through a rough patch; her parents recently divorced. At the beginning of the school year, this child wanted to play with my daughter. They did, but as the year has progressed, their relationship deteriorated.

Now she seems jealous of my daughter (my daughter has some learning disabilities and has accommodations that others in her class don't have). She's started taunting and trying to control and exclude my child, even pushing her on the playground. We're working on building our daughter up so she feels like she has a safe harbor at home and won't be so reactive to this child's taunts.

What is perplexing me is when I visit my daughter at lunch, this child often waves and comes over to talk to me. I try to be kind, but honestly I'm concerned that I'm playing into her behavior. She's making such a big show of talking to me that I'm wondering if she's doing this to hurt my daughter's feelings. (I don't get this kind of reaction from any of the other kids in the cafeteria.)

My daughter hasn't mentioned being bothered by it. But it feels weird, like something's off! I want my child to know we have her back and support her. We added a new baby to the family last year, which is happy news that has also rocked our kid's world. We certainly understand going through a rough patch!

-- Worried

Worried: It is easy to create stories about other children when they are unkind to our kids. Yes, divorce is hard on children, but we don't actually know how much this girl is affected by that. This, along with your assumptions about why she is treating you nicely, are just stories in your mind. Is this little girl knowingly being kind to you to hurt your daughter? Maybe, but I am loath to lay this much responsibility at an 8-year-old's feet. So, my first piece of advice is to concern yourself with your own daughter.

Your daughter being physically pushed is definitely something her teachers need to know about. It's time to meet with her teachers to nail down some plans for how to support your daughter (and this other little girl) while at school. It is unreasonable and unfair to both you and your daughter to only work on this at home and expect her to manage it alone at school, especially if the other girl has the upper hand in the power dynamic.

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Meghan Leahy is a parenting coach and the author of "Parenting Outside the Lines." She has given advice about toddler tantrums, teens and mental health and co-parenting.

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State clearly to the teachers what you are doing at home, and tell them you also want to support the plan they create at school. For instance, which adult can she stay near on the playground? Which children will she spend time with? Is there someone she can stay near in the school building? To whom will your daughter go when the other girl acts up? Plans need to be explicit, put in writing and preferably made with your daughter. When an 8-year-old is in the midst of being taunted, teased or pushed, it is hard to remember what they should be doing.

One of the most important things we can do as parents is to admit when things are hard and create solutions with our children, but we also want to instill confidence in them. We want them to know that we believe in them and that we know that everyone will make it through together. Children are buoyed by their parent's belief in them, rather than pity and worry, which cause more insecurity.

I am thrilled you are already providing that safe place for your daughter to process her feelings. You cannot and will not stop others from hurting your daughter; as developmental psychologist Gordon Neufeld said to me, "life is a wounding event," but you help strengthen and heal her heart by sitting and loving her through it. When your child feels safe and seen with you, their ability to find strength, courage and resilience grows. Remember: A child only needs one loving adult to feel safe in this world, and you are doing that.

If you believe that the new baby is cutting into time and attention with your 8-year-old, be sure to carve out some special time with your older if for no other reason than to delight in her presence. Think simple: outings to libraries, walks, cooking together, a little craft, shooting hoops -- anything that puts you shoulder to shoulder where you can enjoy each other without the baby interfering.

As for the other little girl, when she approaches you in the lunchroom, be loving. Her harsh behavior is a sign that she is struggling, and she deserves as much compassion as your own daughter. You needn't say anything about her mean behavior; it will probably work itself out. Advocate for your daughter in school, support her out of school, rinse and repeat. Finally, watch the stories your mind builds about these kids; they probably have a nugget of truth but not enough to act on. Deal with what's directly in front of you. Good luck.