My husband is from a traditional culture. Women and men have separate roles and men support the family, or it's a huge source of shame. I kept distance from his parents because I saw the ways they ran roughshod all over his siblings' marriages with these values. When we got engaged, we promised each other at his request to keep his family from meddling in our marriage. We moved three hours away to help with this and for a long time, it was great.
In 2020, he was a COVID layoff. My job had a pay cut, but I was still working full time while managing remote school for our three kids. He wasn't working, wasn't parenting, was just there. By late 2021, the job market for his field was the hottest it's ever been. He was barely applying and said he wasn't ready to work again. We were broke, and he still refused to get any type of health screening. I felt trapped. I consulted a divorce attorney, who told me my chances for a fair split with child support were DOA if he wasn't working. So I quietly worked the family grapevine to make sure his parents knew he was unemployed, turning down job offers, and that I was worried about supporting our kids on my income alone.
They were instantly on him. I felt so guilty but so relieved: They drove out to our place for a surprise visit where his dad lit into him about work. He told him to either take the job or come work for his oldest brother. His mom brought lots of food and lots of passive aggression. He took the job, and after he started, he got a depression screening. The combination of a work routine, therapy, and low dose SSRIs brought him back as a loving husband and involved dad. But I know he's still working to shore up boundaries with his parents who took the incident as a reason to be in his business constantly. I feel so guilty for breaking his trust, but it saved our marriage. How do I live with this?
Honey, let go of that guilt. You say the promise you made was about keeping his parents and their values out of your marriage. That's fair, but what happened here was that your husband was experiencing a mental health episode, your attempts to get through to him weren't working, and your family was in crisis. So you tried something that you thought might help, and it did. Your husband's health, and the stability of your family, are worth the time and work it will take to set boundaries with his parents again. Be sure to support him in that endeavor.
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Dear Prudence,
My husband's side of the family treats us differently than the rest of the family, and it's been more pronounced ever since we had children. They routinely do things without us and don't invite us, and when we ask why we weren't invited they usually say, "We thought you wouldn't come." My mother-in-law buys me a scarf every single Christmas, despite the fact that I never have worn a single scarf in my entire life; yet she buys my other sister-in-law tons of gifts.
She makes comments about my husband's sister "finally having the sister she's always wanted" in relation to my sister-in-law, despite me having been part of the family for over a decade longer. Part of me wonders if it's a money thing -- my husband and I are the most educated members of the family and make a better income than the rest of them. Are they jealous? Do they feel like they can't relate to us? I cannot figure it out and it's driving me nuts!
Part of me just wants to accept that this is the family dynamic and try to forget about it, but it continues to eat away at me with every situation that arises. This past weekend, my husband's brother had a Family Day at the army base he's stationed at -- I didn't know this had happened until I saw pictures of our entire extended family at the event over social media, and when my husband asked his brother about it, once again he was told, "I thought you wouldn't want to come." I'm genuinely in need of advice on how to handle this family dynamic moving forward.
I would be so curious to hear from your in-laws, not because I think you're making anything up, but because I'd be interested in their perspective on the interactions you've mentioned here. For example, the continued assertion from your husband's family members that they "thought you wouldn't come" or "wouldn't want to come" along to family events -- do you and your family attend most large family gatherings when you are actually invited? Or do they just not invite you at all? Does your sister-in-law ever invite you to spend time together? Do you invite her to spend sisterly time together, only for her to decline your invitation? You see what I mean?
It's a little difficult to parse with only one side of these interactions available, but I'm inclined to ask you to offer your in-laws the benefit of the doubt here. Is it possible that they're jealous of your wealth and education level? Sure. But the lack of overt hostility toward you and your family makes it feel more likely to me that they're intimidated, or worry about what you'll have in common to talk about and bond over. That could be totally off-base! But from what I have before me, I see less alienation and more of a failure to connect. Maybe it's time to start making your own invitations and see what happens?
Dear Prudence,
I can't believe I'm stuck in this nightmare. My coworker "Gretel", who's 31 and well-paid, behaves like she's still in high school, and I'm 18, paid an entry-level salary (i.e. scraps) and left with the crushing burden of running this entire department. It's beyond infuriating.
Every single day is a circus act with her. She stumbles into meetings, clueless and unprepared, as if she's just stumbled out of bed. And when it comes to projects, she's not just ineffective -- she's actively undermining everything. I've tried to help, offering guidance and support, but she twists every piece of advice into an attack. Whenever I point out a simple mistake -- something any competent person could fix in seconds -- she explodes into a dramatic meltdown. Tears, accusations, and a full-blown pity party ensue. It's clear she thrives on the drama and the attention, not on actually doing her job. She's clearly in over her head, desperately clinging to this position while she drowns in incompetence. But I'm not here to save her; I'm trying to keep this department from sinking, and she's the massive leak.
How much longer can I endure this? How much more of her incompetence and emotional theatrics can I tolerate before it drives me to the brink of insanity? I'm beginning to wonder if I should be the one to step aside before I lose my mind entirely. What would you do?
I've worked with many Gretels, and they always implode. The question is, is it worth sticking it out until that happens? Also, ask yourself, how long do you want to hang around a place that enables Gretels? There's always the chance that once she leaves or is asked to leave, another like her follows close behind. I think the best course of action would be to note all the things you do while she's not doing them, add them to your resume, and keep your eyes peeled for a better professional fit.
Catch up on this week's Prudie.
Our daughter moved in with a young man last year. This has been difficult for us because it goes against our values. Now they're talking about marriage. She told us that she wants to elope and get married in another country, then come back and have a public ceremony and reception. I'm glad they're getting married. He's a good influence on her. But we know she's going to ask us to help pay for this reception and I don't think we should. It's not a real wedding. She's choosing to elope. Why should we help pay for what is essentially just a party?