PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- Former President Donald Trump, convicted felon and the current Republican candidate for president, recently announced his plan to lower grocery prices by restricting the importation of foodstuffs. Today, he doubled down on this threat by listing several food items he will specifically ban.

"No real American should ever eat these foods, and after I win in November they won't be allowed to," Mr. Trump stated in an address from his compound in this seaside city.

The foods Mr. Trump will ban if he is reelected are English muffins, French toast, Swiss cheese, Canadian bacon, Danish pastries, Caesar salad, German and Polish sausages, Swedish meatballs, and tacos.

In response, President Joe Biden called the local hospital for the criminally insane while munching on a Canadian bacon-and-swiss sandwich on an English muffin, only to be told there's nothing they could do to help as "he's always been this way."