Unhealthy relationships are all around us. If you haven't experienced one yourself, you probably know a couple of friends or family members who have. They may have shared red flags they noticed, such as rudeness, disrespecting boundaries and being controlling.
It's important to note that the fault is not on the person on the other end of those toxic dynamics, and that it's helpful for all of us to assess our relationship's health on an ongoing basis.
So, what do healthy relationships look like, and what are the signs it's turning toxic? Regardless of how healthy your relationship is, how can you improve it? Ahead, a couple of psychologists answer those questions and more.
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How Does a Healthy Relationship Start?
The start of a relationship doesn't necessarily define whether it will be healthy or not. Healthy relationships (and unhealthy ones) can start as friendships, from dating apps, after being FWBs and so on. "What defines a healthy relationship are the dynamics present," says Dr. Molly Burrets, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist in Los Angeles who specializes in couples therapy and has 15 years of experience.
Some signs or dynamics in the beginning of a relationship are promising. Dr. Burrets mentions feeling comfortable with the other person, having a genuine interest in their well-being and more. "From the outset, there's a foundation of trust and honesty, and both partners are willing to invest time and effort into building a strong connection," she continues.
Even before that, there has to be a mutual interest and usually some level of shared commonalities. "A healthy relationship can evolve out of any beginning where two people meet and are both interested in pursuing a relationship with each other," says Dr. Lynn Chosiad, PsyD, a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks in Cambridge, Massachusetts who specializes in relationships, self-esteem and stress. "It tends to be easier when there aren't glaring power imbalances and both share similar values, very broadly speaking."
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Questions to Assess Relationship Health
Besides looking for signs -- and we'll share more below -- asking specific questions can give you an idea of where you and your partner(s) are at. Dr. Burrets lists these examples:
Do we communicate openly and honestly with each other -- even about the hard things?Do we respect each other's boundaries and individuality -- even when faced with our insecurities and fears?Do we feel supported by each other emotionally, physically and mentally?How do we handle conflicts or disagreements? With a problem-solving mindset, or with blame and avoidance? (No couple will do this perfectly every time, she adds, but people in healthy relationships will repair after a rupture.)
Dr. Chosiad focuses on one main question that revolves around a cake metaphor. Basically, she says to think of your life as a delicious piece of cake you've worked hard on and feel positively about. The right partner would be delicious icing, while the wrong partner just eats your cake. "So ask yourself," she says, "Does it feel like my partner is eating my cake?"
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8 Signs of a Healthy Relationship, According to Psychologists1. Your partner "fits"
Back to the cake metaphor, you already have a fulfilling life with friends, hobbies, or whatever else makes you feel happy and whole. Your partner easily fitting into that -- like a matching puzzle piece -- is a good sign, according to Dr. Chosiad.
"You won't find it difficult to fit them into your life you already had because a) you'll want to, and b) they'll make it relatively easy by being generally accommodating, interested in and excited to fit into your life," she says.
2. The relationship is balanced
Do you and your partner(s) feel like you have an equal say and responsibility with decision-making, chores and financial contributions? Do you rarely feel overburdened or undervalued? If so, that's a green flag, according to Dr. Burrets.
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3. Your partner makes your life better
In other words, your partner isn't your whole life, but you like it more with them in it. Dr. Chosiad says they may have interesting thoughts, feelings, and ideas they share with you, and you them. Each person makes the good moments (and the rough ones) better for the other person.
4. You have open communication
Dr. Burrets says open communication can look like talking honestly without fear of judgment, speaking your mind in a way that fosters understanding, and engaging in active and empathetic listening. These factors are important to ensure a relationship can succeed and be healthy long-term.
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5. Your partner makes you feel like your best self
Without changing who you are, Dr. Chosiad clarifies, your partner makes you the best version of yourself. But what does that look like, exactly? "They will celebrate your best qualities and also enjoy your funny quirks," she says. "They will understand what makes you awesome and be happy to be with such an awesome person."
6. You trust each other
"Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship," Dr. Burrets says, explaining it "allows both partners to feel secure and confident in the relationship." She explains this means feeling safe in your vulnerability with each other, knowing you'll have each other's back and won't intentionally hurt the other.
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7. You and your partner are there for each other
Whether you're sick in bed or your partner is applying for jobs that don't work out, you have each other to lean on. "While there will be times when one of you needs the other more," Dr. Chosiad adds, "it shouldn't feel like one of you always needs to depend on the other; overall, it should feel balanced." If there's an imbalance, she continues, the person needing support seeks it from a mental health professional.
8. You give each other emotional support
Being there for your partner, providing empathy during tough times and celebrating successes together are other positive signs, according to Dr. Burretts. "This creates a sense of partnership and strengthens the emotional bond between partners," she says.
Related: 8 Phrases That Are Simple, Effective Ways To 'Check In' With Your Partner
Unhealthy Relationship Signs
Now that we've got a solid understanding of positive signs, what are some indicators your relationship is potentially toxic or might need some work? Dr. Burrets and Dr. Chosiad list some examples:
Dependency or codependency, AKA the relationship is a primary or sole source of happiness or self-worthA lack of communication or constant miscommunicationControl or manipulation through guilt, threats or coercionDisrespect or violating a partner's boundaries, feelings or needsMore difficulty managing life when your partner is in itLots of time spent worrying about the partner, their past or potential actions, or the relationship generallyNot being there for each other, even if that doesn't seem purposefulAttempts to improve the relationship end up backfiring
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"I want to note that if codependency, boundary violations and control or manipulation are present in your partnership, these are warning signs that you may be in an abusive relationship," Dr. Burrets adds.
If this is the case for you, please reach out for support. You can contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), texting START to 88788 or using the chatline.
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How To Build Healthier Relationships1. Work on your communication skills
A great place to learn these skills is in therapy -- both individual and couples -- according to Dr. Chosiad. For example, you might learn about "DEAR MAN" from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).
Related: 11 Phrases That Emotionally Immature People Often Say, According to Mental Health Experts
2. Set and respect boundaries
In other words, what is and isn't okay with both of you? This could look like needing a certain amount of "introvert time" or keeping your bank accounts separate, for example.
"Boundaries offer a way to love ourselves and others at the same time, even when we have competing needs," Dr. Burrets says. They keep people in, not out.
3. Decipher your needs and ask about theirs
You can't have healthy communication around your needs and boundaries until you know what they are! Dr. Chosiad recommends figuring out what those are for you and being open to your partner sharing theirs, as well.
Therapy can help you discern what they are, she says. For example, one of you might realize you need words of affirmation more often.
Related: 11 Subtle Signs of Gaslighting To Look for in Your Relationship
4. Practice active listening
Dr. Burrets says active listening means "fully concentrating, understanding, responding and remembering what the other person says." This time and dedication can make the other person feel valued, she explains.
5. Be patient with each other
Even alongside all these helpful steps, miscommunication and mistakes can still happen. That's natural! "Try to explain it to them in another way," Dr. Chosiad suggests. "Give them credit for their good intentions."
6. Prioritize spending time together
While it's important to have hobbies and friendships outside of the relationship, it's also important to have quality time with your partner(s) -- even if that's not your primary love language.
Related: How To Show Your Partner You're Grateful for Them, Using Their Preferred Love Language
It can be something as simple as a meaningful conversation, shared hobby or being present with each other without distractions, Dr. Burrets says, that "helps strengthen the bond and maintain the connection between partners." Or, brainstorm some more creative date ideas.
7. Work together
Ultimately, remember that you and your partner are on the same team here. Work collaboratively, not combatively. "Find ways to work together to get both of your needs met," Dr. Chosiad says. "Work together to find solutions that help both of you."
When To Seek Relationship Help
As mentioned, some relationship signs suggest professional help may be needed, whether that's talking to a couples counselor or domestic violence advocate.
Dr. Burrets encourages reaching out if you and your partner(s) are "experiencing frequent, regular or ongoing patterns of conflict" you can't resolve on your own, "are constantly arguing or experiencing breakdowns in miscommunication," or "feel frequently misunderstood or resentful."
Dr. Chosiad adds other scenarios that may call for third-party help, like not knowing how to word what you want to say, fearing your partner won't take something you have to say well, or struggling to fix the gap between you and your partner. "Generally, any time you feel out of your depth with something in your relationship, it could be a sign that therapy could help," she says.
Further, even when a relationship is going "well," it doesn't hurt to get proactive in those ways. Step aside, myths! As Dr. Chosiad will tell you, this is not a sign that your relationship is doomed.
"It's never a bad time for couples therapy!" Dr. Chosiad says. "Almost every couple can benefit from the opportunity to improve their communication skills, better understand themselves and their needs, and learn how to be a better partner."
Getting proactive (or reactive ASAP) with big changes is smart too. AKA, consider hitting up a therapist before having a baby, changing jobs, moving or experiencing grief or loss, says Dr. Burrets.
"Overall, if the relationship feels more difficult than joyful, and attempts to fix the issues independently aren't successful," she concludes, "it might be time to seek help."
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SourcesDr. Molly Burrets, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in couples therapyDr. Lynn Chosiad, PsyD, a licensed psychologist who specializes in relationships, self-esteem and stressGet Help, The National Domestic Violence HotlineDEAR MAN Skill, DBT Tools